Answering Machine Messages
WE ARE BORG. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED.
But we're not home right now. So leave a message at the tone, and
we'll assimilate you later.
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Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator.
Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself
with one of these magnets.
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Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in the
shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is
done... (Cachunk!)
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Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain
silent.
Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
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(Very fast:) Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message,
please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and
number,
please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and
dial your number. If you want to leave your name and just a
message,
press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and
message. If you want to leave your number and the time you called,
please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud
and (BEEP)
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E'llo. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Leave your
name and number, and prepare to die.
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This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your
name and number, and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary
word.
Today's word is "supercilious."
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Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know
who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please
hang up.
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I can't come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my
brain. Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings assume my
shape, one of them will get back to you.
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I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid
talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could
help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself.
Thanks.
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Thank you for calling the CSU Automated Hearing Test Line. Prepare
for Test.
1. Is this tone louder in your left ear or right ear? ... BEEP
(Rod Sterling imitation:) You're dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world
without time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode. You
see a signpost up ahead-this is no ordinary telephone answering
device... You have reached, "The Twilight Phone".
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Thank you for calling 434-2322. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on
your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on
your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on
your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't do
anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel
like we have a big time phone system.
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(In a bored voice:) Heaven, God speaking...
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This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast
System. This is only a test.
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I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to
the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this
message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER,
except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it...
I mean, like, wait, uh. This is so confusing.
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(Recorded directly from AT&T:)
We're sorry, but the number you dialed is disconnected or no longer in
service. Hi, you've reached 340-2359. We're not peeb eht retfa egassem
ruoy evael esaelp os ,won thgir emoh. gnillac rof uoy knahT.
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The number you have reached, 226-0477, has been changed. The new
number is 226-0477. Please make a note of it.
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Lucifer speaking. Who in hell do you want?
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You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice
patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use.
Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR
voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There
is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of
professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to
further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your
schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the
tone. Thank you.
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(Klingon voice:) ANSWERING MACHINE. SPEAK.
You have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message
after the beep.
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Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I die
before I wake, Remember to erase the tape.
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Hello, this is Sid. I've got a puppy in one hand and a Smith & Wesson
.38 in the other. Leave a message or the puppy gets it.
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A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're
not here. So leave a message.
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Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the
money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my
financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are
my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I
have plenty of money.
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The bell hath sounded.
Thou must leave a message.
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Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave
me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
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spunge@spunge.org
Added: 9-10-97
http://anduin.eldar.org/~ben/funny/html/506.html